Thursday, November 9, 2017

Entry #5


So I wanted to put together some examples of my hallucinations. Just what exactly do I see? Just as warning, these are kind of scary! I don't know how to hide them in the post. the first three examples are kind of what goes on a daily basis. the black section represents my mind's eye, kind of overlapping everything. These visual hallucinations last not even a second, but sometimes can be longer and more prominent. in example 2, i made the mind's eye darker to represent if I have my eyes closed. now this doesnt happen all the time but when it does I have to open my eyes, and sometimes even turn on the light. the last example, photo 4, is something that rarely happens because I learned how to avoid it. If i leave my eyes open in the dark, objects around me begin to shape and take form. i have to keep my eyes closed or stuff like photo #4 happens. now, i've actually had hallucinations just as vivid as real life objects. its only happened enough times to count on my fingers, but it has happened. i guess that if i leave my eyes open long enough in the dark, this sort of thing could happen. as far as auditory, that's a whole different story. i hear these "aliens" talking in my head 24/7, along with other characters like government military. there is a women energy that is very strong as well. Hmm, this is pretty cool haha I've never tried to explain it all with imagery!

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Entry #4

So I was watching The Neverending Story and decided now would be a good time to do this. I've been meaning to get around to it for years now, and now I think I am ready.

I am going to attempt to recollect a year long case of psychosis I have come to call "Shift". This happened sometime during 2012-2013 I think, and during this time I had been homeless for what seemed like the better part of the year... although in reality in may have only have been months. My memory is a little hazy but I will do my best to remember. I will also write in a manner that is easy to read, and though it is not my intention to fabricate these events I will add emotional emphasis as I see fit. 

I would like to thank my family for helping me through this, even though at the time I didn't see it. If it wasn't for them, I don't know where I'd be today.

Well let's see... I guess we can start with the scenario. If you can imagine that life as we know it is only a fraction of the infinite nature of reality. This universe and the spectrums as is are only a interpretation of what I will call infinity, but I can also comfortably say God. 

Time and space have no boundaries, and with that being said there are ways to exist in which reality may seem warped. Distance becomes rather then how far away you are to how aware you are of your surroundings. Time becomes nothing more then a ruler that can easily be discarded. And the dream of life becomes more real then what actually is.

What we experience everyday is but a version of infinity and we get so caught up in this perception that it's usually not till the end (which doesn't always mean death... could also mean the birth of an enlightened being) we see with clarity what's actually in front of us. 

So with this basic understanding of the metaphysics of "Shift", we can go further on with the scenario.

Bare with me now, and try to imagine that somewhere in infinity, there was a very special place. A place in which dreams and ideas could be shifted into reality. A sort of eye that when it truly saw itself, could shift into reality anything imagination could manifest. But it was no easy task to trick this eye, and it didn't matter where you were, it can see. That's where I came in.

My schizophrenia began when I was 18. The years that followed seemed to be test after test. I would be put in a scenario in which I had to choose right over wrong, and follow through with that decision. But it wasn't about my integrity.. no it was something deeper. I had to do what was right, and the right thing happens to be the natural thing. The tests served as a way for me to gain all the emotional requirements of a unified being. I had to not only want to do the right thing, but to know why it was right. This was all needed for the shift.

At the time, I didn't know what was going on. Like I thought I was bearing witness of the Annunaki invading the earth via telepathy, or harboring another universe that the only way to stop my mind from affecting it was to kill off this body. Or even disabling a God Consciousness Chakra that was placed upon every human's head.

The tests went on and on. But the funny thing is, is I prevailed every time. Not only did I try to do the right thing, but I fought to carry it through until I could not muster the will to push forward. And finally, the time came when I was ready for the Shift.

The Shift was the reason I was made schizophrenic. It is the reason why I have always had interdimensional experiences even before this illness. I was chosen for this, before I was even born. 

It caught me like a wave. During the time I was struggling with akathisia (although I didn't know this was the source of my restlessness) and was also having problems with methamphetamine to cope. I remember my money stopped coming in the mail, and I don't think I was taking my medications properly. The Zetas (Grey Aliens) were becoming hostile in my head, and it eventually came to a point where it started breaching the mind.

I still remember clearly seeing two torsos flying towards me in the sky. It was so vivid, I swear if I wasn't schizophrenic I'd be damn sure they were really there. I was standing in the backyard smoking a cigarette when I looked up. At first I thought it was two birds in the distance, but then suddenly they started coming closer at an alarming speed. I only kept my eyes on them long enough to see two pale torsos and arms... no heads or legs. And the arms were flailing about sporadically. They couldn't of been more then ten feet above my head when I was hurrying into the house. This event couldn't of lasted more then five seconds, but it also laid the foundation of the year ahead.

At this point I was terrified. I was being told there were Zetas inside the house (with stealth technology of course) trying to get into my room and attack me. There was also a secret operative in the room with me (invisible as well) guarding me with his life.

I decided it wasn't safe there anymore, and the next day I threw all my belongings in the trash can. I also left my little sister's Nintendo DS in the dresser that she had let me borrow. There was no plan, just to start walking. And that's what I did.

See, this was just the start of an attempt to drive me so far into psychosis that the Shift could occur. I had to be put through very vivid scenarios all up to the point where the actual people in our universe could use me to shift their ideas into reality. Very beautiful ideas.. 

In a matter of days, the scenarios began to envelop me. All the movies and stories turned out to have a real reference to actual people. I started to hear Obi-Wan Kenobi talking to me as a Galactic Federal mentor. The Time Bandits were there too, and even Samara from the Ring. But I'll get more into that in a second.

The time on the streets was eerie. There are a lot of strange people out there in the dark. People that want you to masturbate with them in an alley, or people that will invite you into their hotel room to have sex. Or there was even a man that just came up to me and gave me what I think was cocaine. Of course I was so out of it that I didn't comprehend all this correctly. I thought I was on a mission and perhaps some of these people were actually in on it.

Half the time I was talking out loud, and the rest was looking for cigarette butts. It was neverending...

The scenarios would include things such as saving Samara from the well, in which I actually saw her in a shopping center walking towards me. Her figure was distorted and her legs wobbled unnaturally and I could only look at her for a second before I turned and walked the other way.

I did save her, and it turned out her family didn't know where she was but one day they pulled her out of the well. There had been Black Widows down there that took care of her, and in time her behavior started to mimic that of a spider.

Another scenario would be that a disgruntled Zeta flew his spaceship into oblivion, and in turn he was a living dream inside a time-space continuum. It was up to me to stop his onslaught and get him to turn in. I remember vividly staring up at the sky and talking to him. It didn't matter if I saw him or not, I felt all I needed.

When it was time for the Shift to occur, I was in a very strange state. No longer was I walking, talking, or moving my body at all. It was moving itself. It was telling people things, washing itself, and even dressing me. At the time I felt I had to let it, because I was going to be the catalyst for a new universe. If I ever felt I was straying from what comes naturally, I would snap myself out of it.

There was a very strange experience for a Fresno cop one day. For some reason my body just started doing this weird dance up to him, and ended with me patting the air like I was patting his ass. He looked embarrassed and I just ran off. 

Since we are on this topic of the strange dance, I actually had someone come up to me on a dark street doing the same dance. My body's response was to dance back, and the guy nodded his head as if he approved and went on his way.

Some man also randomly came up to me and gave me 50 dollars, in which I bought some very strange clothes and cigarettes. I changed out there on the street, and carried a broom with me. I remember staring at business's window dancing back and forth.

I also remember very vividly seeing the black pope on a bus!

So, how did the Shift go anyway? Let's just say if any of this were real then our reality would be changing dramatically. The Shift was successful, and the most beautiful ideas were implemented into life. But the reality is I could of been killed out there. I even remember jumping into a busy street without looking. This psychosis drove me to edge of imagination and almost to the end of my life. 

Schizophrenia can be horrifying, but the truth is the "real" world is just as scary. Some days I even wonder just how crazy I really was compared to those sick people out there.

I was admitted into the hospital and put on medication that saved my life. The years that followed I kept getting better and better and eventually I am where I am today. 

I am sorry I couldn't recollect this any better. It is really hard to remember, and the task to completely chronologically explain what happened would be impossible. I don't think it was because it happened years ago, rather the state I was in at the time was akin to drunkenness. 

Maybe I'll revisit this some day, but for now at least this has been written.

Thank you everyone for the support!! I hope to write more soon. Take care

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Entry #3

Hey everyone! I am back, and I haven't written in ages..

Just want everyone to know I do plan on making another video this year. The last six months or so have been kind of hard. Was put on heart rate medication as well as allergy pills and a couple inhalers. I am still able to take all these only once a day at night, but mornings are rough. As a result, I gained a lot of weight and have been struggling to muster up energy for the day.

I have been playing video games to cope, and they have helped immensely. Also they tend to drive me crazy, but it's like I can't decide on anything. I think I always like to have an MMORPG in my life, and for years it was World of Warcraft. But I kind of got bored with it's mechanics and wanted something new. So after months transitioning from WoW to no MMOs to Final Fantasy XIV to back to WoW... I am finally on Elder Scrolls Online.

Anyways, what I mean to say is that video games keep me awake during the day. They kind of fill in gaps of time that would probably be spent laying in bed.

Music has been really slow this year, but that was kind of the plan. I want to release one new album every year. That is my quota. And, a year is quite a long time for one project... and I'm a terrible procrastinator.

I have been watching a lot of horror movies even though I really shouldn't. My favorite is The Ring and its sequels. Also just recently discovered The Shining and fell in love with that.

I rediscovered the Twilight saga, and instantly fell in love with the movies. My sisters and I had a night together watching the first movie... and interestingly enough it kind of turned into a comedy. My sisters laughed at parts I had never laughed at, but I could see why and it was hilarious. Edward Cullen's faces and remarks were so dorky.

But now for the serious part. A roommate (not specifically in my room, but in our house) just passed away. I saw his body on the bed, and the whole day felt really strange. The paramedics came and then the coroner. And I just saw him the day before at the dinner table. Not sure what the cause was, all I know is that two weeks previously he had gone to the hospital and ever since then he hadn't looked well.

That night I swear I could feel him. I was walking through the living room where he always sat and watched TV and it was like his presence stabbed my consciousness (metaphorically speaking).

I haven't had a lot of experience with actual death in my life, and although the next day I felt fine, that day just felt uneasy. I think the thing that struck me is how out of place it seemed. If you had seen him a month before, you never would of guessed something like this would happen.

I have also have a couple of dreams where it feels like, well somethings in my ass. Like something had been "installed" in me, and something was making adjustments or perhaps obtaining data. I don't really know why this happens, but the sensations always linger with me. The hallucinations seem to support this, but who knows.

Along with these anal probe dreams, I have experienced ones with intense energy. Like mind-blowing energy, flowing through me. It's so strong, that after I wake up it takes about ten minutes to really regroup. It feels kind of good though.. but sometimes the experiences in the dream are not so comforting. Such as leaving my body and flying above the house into a space ship. I don't really see it with my eyes, moreso I kind of know its happening. But the good news is I haven't had any really traumatic dreams recently, but that can always change.

I need a cigarette break! I'll be right back.

I have been staying up really late... like too late. But I love the nighttime... even I get sort of paranoid in the later hours. By late I mean 2-5 am. It's weird, because my hallucinations use to be so against that. If I just stayed up one night like that, they would threaten to get worse. So I'd always get scared and go to sleep early the next day.

For a long time my subconscious argued with the hallucinations, and for a while I started saying, as long as I take my medication, everything should be fine. I didn't see why a couple hours later would completely nullify weeks of medication use.

And now, for about a month now I have been staying up as late as I want. Of course there are consequences, such as horrible mornings waking up 3-4 times before I can actually function. But I have been doing it anyway, and my schizophrenia hasn't really bothered me like it use to. That can always change though. Tonight and last night I watched Rings (I had rented it on Amazon) and just tonight as I'm walking through the dark house to smoke a cigarette in the garage, I am hearing the sounds around me. And they are really creepy... and does not help that I feel like there might be someone else in the house on another plane. I don't even want to leave my room right now, but I'm going to have to when I take my medication to cook something up.

Hmm what else to talk about...

I am still a recluse. Never leave the house except for family or popsicles at the liquor store. But I have met a friend online that I have been playing video games with and talking to. I don't know if she knows how much I appreciate our friendship. I haven't felt like I've hung out with someone in years, even if it is online.

Nothing really new and insightful about the schizophrenia, and I know I only touched the tip of the iceberg with my 2016 documentary, but I hope to expand on everything this year. I want to start working out somehow, and maybe even grow this damn mustache.

I really appreciate everyone who supports what I do. You really help me get through the tough times and feel like I have a purpose.

I rarely have suicidal thoughts these days, and although some days can be hard to go through, those thoughts don't haunt me as much as they use to. I am trying to get better as far as the isolation, but I'm doing it at my own pace and in a fashion I feel comfortable with.

Well! It's currently almost 3 am and I should probably get ready for bed. I felt I needed to write, so mission accomplished. Thank you all again for the support, and stay strong :)

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Entry #2

so it happened again..

I was in a community center or resort of some sort, and they were playing a movie on a big screen. I was sitting with family and my wife (or girlfriend, not sure). She was pregnant, due any day.

I wanted a better view of the screen so I left my seat and ran over to the other side. Before the movie ended, I wanted to see my family again, but when I went over there I couldn't find them.

I walked around a bit, and found a room with some of my old highschool buddies. They offered me a beer, and I tried to sit down but was feeling dizzy. I then blacked out.

What followed seemed like an operation of some sort. I was still dazed, but could feel everything. There were long needles, going into my body from various points and angles, one at a time. They all seemed to go to the same area in which I had dream I was anally probed and something was inserted there. It was very painful and I screamed uncontrollably. I remember one had to go through my throat area, but this time they had numbed the area so it didn't hurt as much. I also had a vision that my wife had given birth, and it was a boy.

Next thing you know, it felt like I was in a ditch, floating in water. I could hear my roommate (in real life) mumbling, so I'm guessing I was in a lesser state of sleep. But this did not last too long.

My family had found me, and my wife was sitting there handing me our baby. She had given birth while I had been blacked out. But it wasn't a boy, but a baby girl. I cried as I held her.

The last part of the dream was spent trying to explain to my family the dream inside the dream.

I woke up, in real life this time and could still feel the sensations lingering in my body. A bit shaky, but I took a shower and decided to write this down.

The schizophrenia acted accordingly afterwords as well. But no point in questioning them for an answer.