Sunday, June 4, 2017

Entry #3

Hey everyone! I am back, and I haven't written in ages..

Just want everyone to know I do plan on making another video this year. The last six months or so have been kind of hard. Was put on heart rate medication as well as allergy pills and a couple inhalers. I am still able to take all these only once a day at night, but mornings are rough. As a result, I gained a lot of weight and have been struggling to muster up energy for the day.

I have been playing video games to cope, and they have helped immensely. Also they tend to drive me crazy, but it's like I can't decide on anything. I think I always like to have an MMORPG in my life, and for years it was World of Warcraft. But I kind of got bored with it's mechanics and wanted something new. So after months transitioning from WoW to no MMOs to Final Fantasy XIV to back to WoW... I am finally on Elder Scrolls Online.

Anyways, what I mean to say is that video games keep me awake during the day. They kind of fill in gaps of time that would probably be spent laying in bed.

Music has been really slow this year, but that was kind of the plan. I want to release one new album every year. That is my quota. And, a year is quite a long time for one project... and I'm a terrible procrastinator.

I have been watching a lot of horror movies even though I really shouldn't. My favorite is The Ring and its sequels. Also just recently discovered The Shining and fell in love with that.

I rediscovered the Twilight saga, and instantly fell in love with the movies. My sisters and I had a night together watching the first movie... and interestingly enough it kind of turned into a comedy. My sisters laughed at parts I had never laughed at, but I could see why and it was hilarious. Edward Cullen's faces and remarks were so dorky.

But now for the serious part. A roommate (not specifically in my room, but in our house) just passed away. I saw his body on the bed, and the whole day felt really strange. The paramedics came and then the coroner. And I just saw him the day before at the dinner table. Not sure what the cause was, all I know is that two weeks previously he had gone to the hospital and ever since then he hadn't looked well.

That night I swear I could feel him. I was walking through the living room where he always sat and watched TV and it was like his presence stabbed my consciousness (metaphorically speaking).

I haven't had a lot of experience with actual death in my life, and although the next day I felt fine, that day just felt uneasy. I think the thing that struck me is how out of place it seemed. If you had seen him a month before, you never would of guessed something like this would happen.

I have also have a couple of dreams where it feels like, well somethings in my ass. Like something had been "installed" in me, and something was making adjustments or perhaps obtaining data. I don't really know why this happens, but the sensations always linger with me. The hallucinations seem to support this, but who knows.

Along with these anal probe dreams, I have experienced ones with intense energy. Like mind-blowing energy, flowing through me. It's so strong, that after I wake up it takes about ten minutes to really regroup. It feels kind of good though.. but sometimes the experiences in the dream are not so comforting. Such as leaving my body and flying above the house into a space ship. I don't really see it with my eyes, moreso I kind of know its happening. But the good news is I haven't had any really traumatic dreams recently, but that can always change.

I need a cigarette break! I'll be right back.

I have been staying up really late... like too late. But I love the nighttime... even I get sort of paranoid in the later hours. By late I mean 2-5 am. It's weird, because my hallucinations use to be so against that. If I just stayed up one night like that, they would threaten to get worse. So I'd always get scared and go to sleep early the next day.

For a long time my subconscious argued with the hallucinations, and for a while I started saying, as long as I take my medication, everything should be fine. I didn't see why a couple hours later would completely nullify weeks of medication use.

And now, for about a month now I have been staying up as late as I want. Of course there are consequences, such as horrible mornings waking up 3-4 times before I can actually function. But I have been doing it anyway, and my schizophrenia hasn't really bothered me like it use to. That can always change though. Tonight and last night I watched Rings (I had rented it on Amazon) and just tonight as I'm walking through the dark house to smoke a cigarette in the garage, I am hearing the sounds around me. And they are really creepy... and does not help that I feel like there might be someone else in the house on another plane. I don't even want to leave my room right now, but I'm going to have to when I take my medication to cook something up.

Hmm what else to talk about...

I am still a recluse. Never leave the house except for family or popsicles at the liquor store. But I have met a friend online that I have been playing video games with and talking to. I don't know if she knows how much I appreciate our friendship. I haven't felt like I've hung out with someone in years, even if it is online.

Nothing really new and insightful about the schizophrenia, and I know I only touched the tip of the iceberg with my 2016 documentary, but I hope to expand on everything this year. I want to start working out somehow, and maybe even grow this damn mustache.

I really appreciate everyone who supports what I do. You really help me get through the tough times and feel like I have a purpose.

I rarely have suicidal thoughts these days, and although some days can be hard to go through, those thoughts don't haunt me as much as they use to. I am trying to get better as far as the isolation, but I'm doing it at my own pace and in a fashion I feel comfortable with.

Well! It's currently almost 3 am and I should probably get ready for bed. I felt I needed to write, so mission accomplished. Thank you all again for the support, and stay strong :)

No comments:

Post a Comment